Reason #72: I have NO holiday spirit.
Christmastime brings out the worst in me. It's a 30-day run highlighting every bad trait I have.
Starting with the gluttony of Thanksgiving, carrying through Christmas itself, I'm a non-stop train of selfishness, pettiness, cheapness and greediness. Someone should create one of those 30 days of Christmas boxes for me, where each day you open a new window: "Oh, look! Today he wants a plastic Christmas tree. Anti-earth jerk!"
That's me this year. For some reason, a live Christmas tree feels like too much work. As if the artificial tree trims itself.
But, that's not enough to send me to hell. I mean, I could even make the argument I'm SAVING the life of an actual tree. I'm a virtual tree-hugging saint.
No, it really is a cumulative thing for me.
In no month do I tell more lies. Take office Christmas parties. I would enlist in the Army to get out of an office Christmas party. (Do they have office Christmas parties in Afghanistan?) So, a lie? That's nothing. In fact, I've told more lies to avoid office parties than I've told myself in front of mirrors. That's a lot.
One year, I even lied my way out of an office party, despite knowing that I was going to get the coveted "Employee of the Year" plaque. My lie cost me the plaque and all the free stuff that came with it. (Don't feel too bad for me, I worked at a radio station, so the free stuff was anything they could get on trade. I likely missed out on a 50-lb bag of cat food, a free car wash and year's supply of bagel dogs.)
I'm horrible at gift-giving. It's all junk to me, and why would I give anyone junk? "I love you, Mom. Which is why I'll help you throw this away in June." I'm worse at gift-receiving.
I want all the cinnamon rolls and none of the broccoli florets. (You aren't fooling me with your fancy words, broccoli!)
The music makes me want to murder.
The cold makes me want to steal. (Ask my wife about my cover-thieving tendencies.)
It's all just too much for too long.
Now, if we could cut it down to say... a week? Agree that Christmas parties are meant for the home and not to be extended to places you only go because they pay you? Maybe.
If everyone would sign a contract stating the obvious: a Christmas meal includes ham, baked beans, at least 3 bread choices (stuffing doesn't count), 2 desserts and nothing green...
If Mariah Carey went back to being someone I could ignore...
If everyone gave everyone else Apple watches...
If the tree really could trim itself... or, more importantly, UN-trim itself...
Maybe I'm in.
But, we all know that's not happening. Instead, I'll continue to be the guy lying to his mom about church. "Christmas service? 'Cough. 'Cough. You REALLY don't want me there." (Did I forget to mention that? I don't do Christmas church. It's the worst.)
I'll go to hell, I know. I'll be the grinchiest guy down there, lying my way out of hell's office party.