Reason #14: That "no other gods" thing.
One of the reasons I write this blog is to remind myself, in my own twisted way, that I'm not actually a bad guy. Let's face it, creatives are not known for their self-confidence, and I live in a world that consistently tells me I'm evil. (Though, to be fair, you probably do, too. To say the least, the world is a very weird place right now.)
I was most recently reminded of what the supposed "good guys" think of me, when I was reading an article about an evangelical pastor that supports Donald Trump. Now, I'm not going to go all political on you here. There are many outlets for that, and I don't want this to be one of them. But, suffice to say, I already knew that my desire for every American to have equal access to healthcare makes me a socialist. Which, in turn, makes me a threat to all that is good in America. I already knew all that.
What I didn't know, and the good pastor had to tell me, was that I worship the pagan god Moloch. (To be fair, he said, I "might" worship Moloch.) Still, that was a new one. Here I thought I didn't believe in gods.
It got me thinking. Are there other gods that I worship?
I could wait for the good pastor to let me know, but, surely I should be able to identify my own deities.
Looking around my house, it became clear pretty quickly. Yes, I have gods.
The hockey gods granted me a Stanley Cup win last year. I prayed hard for that one. (The golf gods, despite copious amounts of attention from me, are largely silent.)
But, one god stands above the rest: the creator of the donut. Perfect in all its forms, the donut is my strongest evidence of a higher power. (Bacon is a close second. Melted cheese is third.) Whatever god created the donut (I'll call her Dunkin') deserves the highest levels of praise.
There's definitely an invisible force at play every time I walk through the baked goods section at the grocery store. Now I know, it's Dunkin', calling me to prayer. Adam gave a rib to get Eve. I'd give a lung for a long john. Just walking past the donut case puts me on a new spiritual plain.
Thankfully, I'm not alone in my service to Dunkin'. Every Sunday, masses of believers swarm their place of worship and order up dozens of praise-inducing chunks of fried holy food.
So, all hail Dunkin', creator of the cake donut! And, move over Moloch, I hardly knew ye'.