1,000 Reasons I'm Going To Hell is a blog series that explores my life as a non-believer in a believer's world. I'll share stories of everyday interactions with eternal consequences. Whether it's making my mom cry, shocking an unsuspecting nun or staring down a power-hungry pastor, I'll share all my flawed moments for your judgment. You can laugh with me, set me straight or put me on your prayer list. Just, please, don't tell God where to find me.
Reason #323 I'm A Glutton
Gluttony. One of the seven deadly sins. Not to be confused with gluteny, which, in California, might get you banned, but won't send you to hell. And, in Kansas, actually gets you celebrated.
Gluttony. Not a problem I'm generally associated with -- hence the lower placement on my list of 1,000. I have my moments, of course. Most of them donut related, and a few of them already documented in this space.
But, this weekend I had a definite gluttonous moment. (Seriously? Spell check didn't bang me for gluttonous? Awesome.) Super Bowl weekend. My team in the game. Go big or go home. I went big.
I generally attempt to eat well. Generally. And, sometimes, I even succeed. Sometimes. But, there are foods I try very hard to avoid. Foods so toxically bad for me, even I can't ignore. One of these super bad foods happens to be my favorite food item of all time. It comes conveniently shaped for maximum flexibility. Its brick form can be melted into a golden, cheesy goodness or, given the passage of enough time (say, one week) can instead be used to build small buildings, like a doghouse, or a shed.
I'm talking about Velveeta, of course -- the cheese food that pairs so perfectly with the equally-artificial Dorito. (Nacho cheese, if done correctly.)
Velveeta. The cheese food that's so toxic, it doesn't come with an expiration date, it comes with a half-life printed right there on its protective metal shell.
It's delicious, of course. The fact that it can also serve as an alternative fuel source for the Mar's mission is purely bonus.
I'm not saying that Velveeta is bad for you, but, once I finished my gluttonous evening, and time came for me to toss out the mere spoonfuls of leftover rubbery goodness... I refused to put it down the garbage disposal. Into my system, okay. Into my home's plumbing system? That's where I drew the line.
Yes, I ate damn near an entire block of Velveeta in 3 hours. Paired with a full, party-size bag of nacho cheese Doritos. (Plus some popcorn -- two flavors, regular nacho chips, two bowls of chili and a couple bottles of Gatorade to maintain my strength and prevent cramping.) It was undoubtedly gluttony. I still have a healthy orange glow.
But, it was the Super Bowl. MY Super Bowl. And, I prevailed.
Will a single block of Velveeta send me to hell? I don't know. But, if it does, I'll be thankful for one thing: it should be hot enough down there that I won't have to make every-10-minute runs to the microwave to keep my food source at the perfect level of "molten."
Reason #323 I'm A Glutton
Gluttony. One of the seven deadly sins. Not to be confused with gluteny, which, in California, might get you banned, but won't send you to hell. And, in Kansas, actually gets you celebrated.
Gluttony. Not a problem I'm generally associated with -- hence the lower placement on my list of 1,000. I have my moments, of course. Most of them donut related, and a few of them already documented in this space.
But, this weekend I had a definite gluttonous moment. (Seriously? Spell check didn't bang me for gluttonous? Awesome.) Super Bowl weekend. My team in the game. Go big or go home. I went big.
I generally attempt to eat well. Generally. And, sometimes, I even succeed. Sometimes. But, there are foods I try very hard to avoid. Foods so toxically bad for me, even I can't ignore. One of these super bad foods happens to be my favorite food item of all time. It comes conveniently shaped for maximum flexibility. Its brick form can be melted into a golden, cheesy goodness or, given the passage of enough time (say, one week) can instead be used to build small buildings, like a doghouse, or a shed.
I'm talking about Velveeta, of course -- the cheese food that pairs so perfectly with the equally-artificial Dorito. (Nacho cheese, if done correctly.)
Velveeta. The cheese food that's so toxic, it doesn't come with an expiration date, it comes with a half-life printed right there on its protective metal shell.
It's delicious, of course. The fact that it can also serve as an alternative fuel source for the Mar's mission is purely bonus.
I'm not saying that Velveeta is bad for you, but, once I finished my gluttonous evening, and time came for me to toss out the mere spoonfuls of leftover rubbery goodness... I refused to put it down the garbage disposal. Into my system, okay. Into my home's plumbing system? That's where I drew the line.
Yes, I ate damn near an entire block of Velveeta in 3 hours. Paired with a full, party-size bag of nacho cheese Doritos. (Plus some popcorn -- two flavors, regular nacho chips, two bowls of chili and a couple bottles of Gatorade to maintain my strength and prevent cramping.) It was undoubtedly gluttony. I still have a healthy orange glow.
But, it was the Super Bowl. MY Super Bowl. And, I prevailed.
Will a single block of Velveeta send me to hell? I don't know. But, if it does, I'll be thankful for one thing: it should be hot enough down there that I won't have to make every-10-minute runs to the microwave to keep my food source at the perfect level of "molten."
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